Found Some Pictures From a While Ago

Me with Eleven Inches of Hair!!!

Remembering the Hair

So if anyone remembers, about a year ago I shaved off all of my hair for St. Baldrick's Day and gave the incredibly long hairs I had obtained in approximately a years time to Locks of Love. Well, I've actually come across a lot of pictures from the event and I decided I might as well as share them. And TRUST ME, I know I look terrible in this picture, but that's what happens when you are a guy that grows your hair out to eleven inches and then donates all of it to a charity organization. So no judging me on that part, I took the burden of carrying my hair everywhere and looking like a fool for months and I don't need to be reminded of how terrible it looks.

Now these photos also show off why I will never EVER have hair that long again. I mean, besides being totally degrading to have hair that long and everyone saying I look like a girl (which to everyone out there that said that, I already knew and life was hard enough; I didn't need to hear that).

Right Before They Stole my Hair [Picture 1]

The First Few Cuts [Picture 2]

Anyway, In picture 1 you can see I've already lost a LOT of hair (and at the time I was feeling lightheaded and my neck felt wonderful). Well, that's because to get the donation of hair for Locks of Love, I had to cut it off and ziplock bag it up before I got up to the donation area and had my head shaved completely off.  Now, I was lucking during this whole thing that my friends had come along with me,  because my Wife then was able to be the one to make the special First cuts of my long locks of hair. Then, as shown in picture 2, I gave it away to the St Baldrick's people and they took shavers and started sawing away at what was left. As you can see, she started in the back with my head and worked her way forward.

Almost Gone [Picture 3]

In picture 3 is a middle step that was taken, which I wanted to show because this lady unfortunately has the untimely job of having to shave hair over and over again until the event was over. So, to make it more fun for herself she started doing designs with the hair that was left. Since I had an oddly proportioned amount of hair on my head (because my lover did not cut the hair to all the same length while trying to get as much of it off), my personal balding stylist decided I should have a mohawk before it was gone. This picture was taken right before she let the last bit go (not that I was sad). I remember at this point feeling like my head was hot because of the clippers running over the bare scalp. Don't worry, that would all change soon afterwards.

A Zen Feeling as the Last Goes [Picture 4]

And then finally that last bit was taken off and I was left with nothing but the bald head I had been craving. That last small strand was off in no time, and then the lady shaving my head spent a good deal of time making sure she had gotten all of the small fuzz that was just a bit too long to be called bald. As you can also see form this picture, I'm not actually perfectly bald but rather a very close approximation. Thank God! Regrowing hair from the skin level is itchy as all get-out and I would have been scratching my head like crazy if they went any closer!

And finally, I'm going to throw in one last picture that shows off my two favorite friends in the whole world, the ones that let me bum with them (couch hop?) while I was visiting in San Francisco! I can't stop thanking them enough and I'm always happy we have these moments together, which leads to the final and most important point to this article, ALWAYS do stuff with your friends because they are the ones that mean the most when you look back. I can't wait to see these two again, though next time it'll be at their wedding!

Happy Memorial Day Everyone!

(From Left to Right) My Husband, My Wife, and Me Afterwards

Bored to Death (Season 1): The Review

Bored to Death (Season 1) [2009]

The Bored to Death Poster

So I normally do movie reviews every night, and I've actually already done a movie review for tonight, but those are not the only types of things I watch. As such, I figured I might as well branch out and include a couple of television shows I'm watching. Now, a thing about my reviews for television shows is that I do NOT want to write a review until I finish the season. Why? Because if I watch one episode and then write a review, I might not have gotten the true flavor of the television show that I didn't notice in just thirty minutes or less. For example, I did not realize the comedic value of the television show Arrested Development for the longest time. However, once I found it I could not stop laughing. So I feel it's important to give television shows a full season before they get judged.

Synopsis:

So this writer, Jonathan Ames (played by Jason Schwartzman) is working on writing his second novel, except he's currently having a huge problem with writers block. His girlfriend moves out of their place, his life feels meaningless, and his best friend, a comic book writer by the name of Ray Hueston (played by Zach Galifianakis), doesn't seem to help. So, slightly out of boredom and slightly out of finding an old novel in the pile of books in his apartment, he decides to spice up his life by putting an ad on Craig's List that says he's a private detective with very reasonable rates. He mentions in the ad that his is not licensed and takes that as the only way to tell people he in no way is related to crime solving. Well, he starts getting calls and from there the show takes on a detective sort of tone.

Except he's not a detective and he's anything but trained in being a good private eye. So the show focuses on his life and how he's not a detective. You meet his other buddy and mentor/boss, George Christopher (played by Ted Danson) and you see how he tries to piece his life back together with his friends, the detective business, and writing his story. So it becomes this complicatedly simple show about weird cases he solves while trying to do other things.

Verdict: 3.5 / 5 Stars

So I watched the whole first season and, if you read my synopsis, then you understand that this show could very much be interesting. Except the main character is kind of dull in his life and he's not very good with girls. I think that the creators really tried to play him up as a funny sort of guy, but he doesn't come off that way most of the time. And that's what really hurt this show if you asked me.

No, instead the actual BEST character on the show is his mentor/boss George. Now, the reason I really like George in this show is that he's this rich, lovable character with a background business that's respectable and yet he has all these weird problems that a rich person should never have. So from the first episode to the last episode he takes the side character roll and just makes it amazing. He's calling Jonathan in to go to parties with him, complaining about the complications in his life, and just all around getting into strange troubles that I found hilarious.

~~~~~Spoiler Alert~~~~~

For instance, he gets a herpes blister on his lip and he has a speech to go to and he does not want to show off the blister in public. Since there is no way out of doing the speech, his best idea is to call Jonathan in and ask Jonathan to punch him hard in the face so that it looks like he was in a battle. Now, standing back we can all see that this is not going to work, but the whole scenario plays out in such a dramatically hilarious style that I could not help but laugh at it. There's a bunch of others, and this isn't the funniest of what he does, but I thought I would mention it to give at least some sort of example.

~~~~~End Alert~~~~~

And beyond the best character, even Ray tends to be a little bit funnier than Jonathan. Ray has really weird problems and he talks about them like they are everyday issues, which is perfect for adding humor to the roll. But with that said, I don't think that either of the side-characters would have made a great front-roll character and are best where they stand now. So I'm going to leave it at that and just say that the two friends of Jonathan actually make the show.

Which means the only thing that could possibly make the show terrible are if the cases are bad or uninteresting. Some are less interesting than others, some are really funny ideas, but in the end it all sort of averages out to a decent case-listing in the show. So I'm not knocking it for having decent detective stories to tell, but I do have one problem with it. I like television shows that show progress with each episode, where if you missed the previous then you might not understand the details that go into the next. This show has none of that outside of a very large, very slow back story. I would have loved to see some cases not get solved and carry over a few episodes while he works others, I would have dies to see a master case that engulfs the whole season and he solves it little bit by little bit with each other case adding to the clues. I like mastermind stuff like that, the things that lead you on and then blow up to awesome proportions at the end. This sadly just doesn't have it. So that's a bit hurter.

Overall, the show did keep me entertained and I did manage to quickly and easily make it through the first season. If you want an extra show that is something you can watch while doing something else, this is probably it. I give it a 3.5/5 stars.

The Adjustment Bureau: The Review

The Adjustment Bureau [2011]

The Adjustment Bureau Movie Poster

Okay, so I know that in reality I talk a lot about how I hate Matt Damon, but at the same time I also feel that all movies should be given the same chance to impress me. Why? Because there were other people who worked on this movie and they deserve a chance to prove themselves to. So as it stands, I'm going to do my review on the Adjustment Bureau.

Synopsis:

So the movie starts out with a very good, progressive, and young politician who is not only the front-runner for everything, but ahead of everyone in the field. Well, all that changes when he makes a mistake with his life and is suddenly thrusted off-track from his political dreams. So on the night that he loses his big election, he also meets the girl that is of his dreams. 

And that's when the adjustment bureau steps in, which is a set of persons that go around fixing the world to make sure that the best possible future outcome will occur. Except they mess up, and the rest of the movie is how they have to then fix it.

Verdict: 4.25 / 5 Stars

So even though I still hold a grudge against Matt Damon, this was actually a really good and really interesting movie. I like the play on love that runs through the whole thing and I really like that while you know where it's sort of going, there's this mystery of what will happen next since you don't exactly know what the Adjustment Bureau is. And they spend some time trying to explain it, but they do it very ghostly, for lack of a better word, by which I mean you get this feeling of what the adjustment bureau is and what the adjustment bureau does and who is the adjustment bureau but without actually telling you the full story every time. And be a person that really appreciates when movies leave mystery, it was like a hook to keep me watching.

Now, from start to finish the characters are this story of lovable, elastic bunch that you just want to watch and see more of. There are no real bad guys in this film either, which is something that rarely happens in the film like this, and so even the worst of characters you are interested in. And it worked, I actually wanted to hear more from all the characters, to learn more about everyone and really get to understand the things they do and why. So from that perspective I really was pleased with this movie. And the cinematography was really beautiful too. There are these scenes were you get the sunset or the the rain coming down just beautifully in the background. Now a lot of people don't take the time to really appreciate that, but I did and I thought it was done marvelously in this film, really making the whole thing look impressive and interesting. So I felt I had to make a point about that and just let everyone know that while watching this film, just realize that everything is picked out perfectly. All of that gets a paragraph, because it all deals with the behind hands on the film.

Another thing that bumps this movie up above other's I've been having the pleasure to review is that I know I could rematch this one easily. There's this sort of flavor to the way it plays out that I really like, the whole is it fate or is it destiny really coming into mix here in a way that hasn't been done before. For instance, on the one hand you learn the Adjustment Bureau works to make a better world by slightly adjusting it, but they also admit there is a certain unknown prominence to the future. I really like that and that's what makes this a fun watch. And the spontaneous feelings that you get from the movie, although rather random at the time, are also really planned out. So although you are kind of being led along, it does have a very direct path that you could see coming.

Now on the downside, there's nothing in this movie that really provides more to humanity except the basic ideas that Freedom is not Free and Love Triumphs, which are wonderful ideas but they get played a lot. The movies I tend to give higher ratings to have a beat all to their own, sending a message that maybe you can't say in 5 words or less and this movie just does not have that. So while its fun, I can't give it a perfect score because I don't feel like I've become a better person, a more educated person, from watching this. my final verdict is 4.25/5 stars.

Horrible Bosses: The Review

Horrible Bosses [2011]

Horrible Bosses Movie Poster

So I have pretty much nothing to do today and I think someone in my family told me that I should watch the movie Horrible Bosses. I thought why not, I like Jason Bateman as an actor ever since I watched the entire Arrested Development series (and multiple times), so I turned it on and just let it run. My mistake. Here's the review.

Synopsis:

So these three men have three bosses that they totally hate, one of which is a psycho, one that's a whore, and one that's a spoiled brat. And the whole movie starts out showing you each person's relationship with their boss and how it just is not working out. Then everything starts spiraling out of control as their bosses get worse which, of course, leads to the great idea that they should just kill their bosses. From there, this is supposed to be a comedy about the three of them and their long journey to kill each others bosses to make life easier for the other ones.

Verdict: 2.5 / 5 Stars

Now like I said, I really like Jason Bateman. And the idea behind this movie is not a terrible one, I mean it's a little bit cliche now that we've had a bunch of movies that try and to mimic the classic Office Space [1999]. But unfortunately the cast and characters left me feeling like this movie needed something. Like the villains are perfect, but the three main characters you just slowly lose care for over time. For instance, Jason Bateman plays Nick Hendricks who is a well-to-do guy that thinks the only way to get promoted is to suck-up to his boss, but it makes him seem rather spineless in the long run. Charlie Day plays Dale Arbus who's an all-around annoying guy (I actually was really getting annoyed with him the more the movie went on). And last, Jason Sudeikis plays the sex addict. So really, because these guys have these abnormal qualities, you just over time lose care for them and honestly start believing that maybe they got what they deserved.

But with that out of mind while I watched this, because I didn't think that until just over half-way through the movie, I still found the plot to be rather not-thoughtout. Like they'd give these three guys a situation, something would happen, they'd give them another situation, something new would happen. That's just not how I like my movies. I like it when you can see there was a lot of thought behind every scene and why things happen, when mysteries go from start to finish and things you didn't think were important become important. This one was more like here's some random stuff, lets let the characters roll off of it and make a movie. That's what killed it for me and led me to boredom halfway through.

And on top of that, I sort of wonder if the writers were looking for spots to even make jokes, because I honestly don't get the comedy in this movie all too well. It's kind of like here's a random thought, then move on. But because the context is so drowned out by screaming and annoyance, I just didn't think it was funny. Its like going to a restaurant, you don't want to have an entire meal that tastes bland but more of a sporadic assortment of complimenting flavors. This was a bland meal.

My personal feelings? 3/5 stars at first until I realized I'd never come back for this dish. I downed it to 2.5/5 stars for that reason.

Bad Teacher: The Review

Bad Teacher [2011]

Bad Teacher Movie Poster

So this may come as a shock, but this is actually my second or third time watching this movie all the way through. I know I should stick with movies I've never seen before, but for all the reviews in the world that I can write this one won't matter. So I've rewatched the movie and here's my personal opinion.

Synopsis:

A really bad middle school teacher, Elizabeth Halsey, thinks she's going to retire from teaching after being in the service for a whole year. She has a rich boyfriend she's about to marry, a luxurious life set ahead of her, and no troubles what-so-ever. Except her rich boyfriend figures out that she's really only in it for the money before they can get married and so it's back for another year of teaching at John Adams Middle School (JAMS for short).  From there, its her strangely abusive, not very clean story of trying to go from rags to riches, or in her case get a new set of breasts to make herself more appealing to rich men.

Verdict: 3.75 / 5 Stars

If you'll believe it, I actually really enjoyed this movie! I mean, with all the vulgarity and what not I actually enjoy everything that happens. And I just want to state now that I was on the line between giving this movie a whole four stars or three and a half. Why? Because I know this movie is not right for everyone, but that's not to say it is just a terrible movie.

I guess what I liked about this movie is that there is this nostalgia while watching it of that's how my school went. I had the peppy teachers and the classes where there was the popular girls and popular guys who would not take a second of their life to look past the superficial appearances. And I liked that it was set in middle school, which is when hormones are a blaze in the students, and yet here we have this raunchy teacher who's drugged up and doped out in between her attempts at get-quick rich schemes. So in this essence, it kind of makes it more interesting for me.

And the plot seemed well thought-out. Like you can tell that whomever wrote the script really worked hard to make her seem like a witty teacher that could have tricked a rich guy into letting her have half his money and not the other way around. Combined with an arch nemesis, which I personally loved the corkiness of Amy Squirrel, and you get this sort of sickly sweet twist to a very different sort of comedy.  Top it off, I'm sort of a sucker for love stories that revolve around central characters and I love Justin Timberlake in this movie as the roll of the weird hot guy. So for me, it wasn't exactly something I would call painful to re-watch and I actually would recommend it to a friend.

The only problem I do have with this film is that its almost like they worked a little too hard to make it about the adults in the movie and less about the kids. I would have liked to see more interaction with the children and how she reacts, maybe even with some scenes extended. Instead, we get this sort-of pulled back view on the year that focuses around the principle and the adults. I also would have loved to have seen more teachers in this movie. Like we start to see them, but they too are just kind of there and not really given much more light than a quick appearance. And of course, I can't give it a perfect rating because this movie is NOT for everyone (and I know that).

So I feel this movie is a 3.75/5 stars type.

Rest Stop (Movie): The Review

Rest Stop (Movie) [2006]

Rest Stop Movie Poster

And so tonights movie is a horror film called Rest Stop. Now, just from the title you should be able to tell that this is going to be a long, bad movie night. It's a B horror film (at best). So here we go.

Synopsis:

So this girl (Nichole) and her boyfriend (Jess) decide to run away from home to become movie stars or something. As they drive away, Nichole has trouble with the idea of running away and wants to call her parents. She doesn't because her boyfriend says not to. So then they're off on the road. A random sex scene, and a random cut to them talking about being on some back highway for some reason, and then wouldn't you know it but Nichole needs a bathroom... also know as a rest stop. So begins the horror fun.

Verdict: 1 / 5 Stars

I'm really torn while writing this review because its a really bad movie, and I mean that, but at the same time it is entertaining. Now, let me get down to why this movie is so bad. First of all, the whole premise is just stupid. A rest stop that a guy haunts and attacks people to kill them? That's just sad how low the film makers have stooped to make a horror movie (and a bad one). Now, I'm not taking off stars for this point though, because most horror films are based around some sort of bad idea.

No, what I'd like to take points off for is the just terrible scripting. First of all, there's no character interaction in this film at all. Why? Because the only character in the film that lives through every stupid thing that happens in Nichole. So she goes here, she goes there, she goes here, and so on and so forth. And I don't mind that, but it would be nice if they would at least have given her a friend to talk to and to figure this out. And I mean someone long term, not a short term friend.  So a lot of the stuff she has to figure out on her own, which is slow and annoying. And when they do give her a friend, it lasts maybe 20 minutes at most. It drives me nuts.

But I also hated the lack of a set-up. A good horror movie knows that they'll set everything up close to the beginning so that later you get to see how things unravel. This one didn't have any of that. It was just random scene after random scene with nothing too well thought out. So after about the third time I'm just so annoyed that it won't end that it pisses me off.  Seriously, every big mystery in the movie is about 10 seconds from being unraveled instead of being planned out from the beginning. It was frustrating. I'm really taking out points for the lack of a set-up and burst-topic thought that went into this.

Yet, on top of that there is a HUGE layer of characters who have interesting pasts and are interesting and I'd love to see more of them. So why the hell they didn't try and play all the characters up I'll never know. And I don't want to ruin it, but there was a really good moment in there where I wanted something more to happen with some of the most psychotic characters that didn't.

To end my review, I'd like to say that it also lost points from just the rugged lack of intelligence with EVERY character. Like, the amount of stupidity that EVERY character had was unbelievable. I think anyone with about half the brains could have done better than this girl. 

~~~~~Warning: Spoiler Alert~~~~~

1. Take for instance the scene where she's in the station talking on the old CB Radio and gets the "trucker" on the other end. Now, it already isn't weird to her that on the television is the porno they made earlier that day (and she identifies it, based on the look on her face). So she starts talking to this guy, he talks back, and he says he's going to call the cops. She asks what his name is and he says, gasp, 'Jessy.' RIGHT THERE that should be a hint that this is NOT a trucker an should NOT be trusted. But instead she gets drunk and forgets all about it. 
2. Here's another example. The car suddenly magically reappears in front of the little station for the rest stop. Now, normal people would find that weird and not want to get in. But oh, our so smart heroin is going to jump right into the drivers seat and start driving away. Except everyone knows that if the car was put there magically, it means something is up. So don't get in the car you dumb girl. Ugh...
3. Third example, the police officer talks to the guy in the truck and he says he's been lost for hours, driving by the rest stop every now and then without doing anything. The police officer accepts his answer, to which point the truck turns around. Now, while he's standing there explaining this to the girl, who clearly said IT WAS HIM, he suddenly gets caught in the headlights of the truck. Let's not move out of the way, lets just let the "lost" truck driver blind you even though he should have turned around and left. Sad to say, it doesn't end well for him.

~~~~~End of Spoils~~~~~

Seriously, the day that the masterminds behind these movies create smarter characters, I'll by happy. All I want is a hero who is smart enough to do normal reactions, but the bad guy is one step ahead. My verdict is 1/5 stars.

Shrek 4: The Review

Shrek Forever After [2010]

Shrek Forever After Movie Poster

So, I don't just like to watch action films or adult-rated films. In fact, every now and then I like to branch out and see a kid's movie. And I rate kid's movies differently than I do movies for teens or movies made for adults. Why? Because not all children films are really made for adults. This is definitely not one of them.

Synopsis:

This is a movie about the character's you've come to know and love from the first three Shrek films. It starts out with a birthday party for the three ogre children Shrek and Fiona had and slowly Shrek becomes more and more angry at the life he's living. Finally, he just wants to break away and is granted the opportunity when handed a magical contract by Rumpelstiltskin. Well, as anyone could have guessed, the contract has two sides to the deal and so the rest of the movie is about getting the contract null and void (to put it in the simplest of terms).

The Verdict: 3 / 5 Stars

Unlike the first film which had a really nice, new flavor to it (something different that was about the same old, so it goes), this movie didn't have that sort of charm. And since the second movie (Shrek 2) is in my opinion the best one yet, there was a lot on the table. Unfortunately, the plot line was so predictably the same and the fantasy land that it's based in just wasn't played up the way it should have been. So I felt like there was a lot left to be desired. For instance, in Shrek 2 they really play up the fact that Far Far Away is a hip, cool town. They play up the characters, they really work on the theme of the fairy tale, and because of that it has the same charm the first one had but with just more of it. This one did not exactly have that. In fact, it was like they made up their own charm instead of working with what fairy tales told.

Beyond that, the plot was as basic as it could get. You knew when everything was going to happen, you knew there wasn't going to be any plot twists, and you knew who the bad guy was and what he was going to do. In fact, the plot was so easily laid out for anyone over the age of 6 that it really hurt the story. So I would have loved in they would have reworked it to add in some sort of twist that would leave me thinking about it in the end. Too bad.

And if that's not bad enough, I felt like all the characters weren't played up very much in this one. It was a new movie all about Mike Myers instead of about the entire cast. I think that's what really made the charm of the second one was the large ensemble of people in it that all played an astounding part. But this movie, with the exception of the cook (that I liked) there wasn't much of a cast to be had. Donkey was Donkey, Puss in Boots was fat, and Fiona played up her usual sort of character. So it would have been nice to have seen more of the side characters come in, maybe develop them some more. I think that's what was missing and why I subtracted another star.

My personal feelings? 3/5 stars, as in it's worth it for the kids to see.

Source Code: The Review

Source Code [2011]

Source Code Movie Poster

Alright, so the movie I'm actually currently in the middle of watching is, imagine that, Source Code. I'm writing this review now because above all, I'm sort of board with the plot. But no worries, we'll get to that in a second.

Synopsis:

So the story starts with a man who wakes up on a train, not sure where he is or who the person talking to him is. Immediately things start happening, the situation starts moving onwards and then, bam, the train explodes. The man then wakes up in a dark room with a  glowing screen in front of him. He's strapped into a chair, talking to someone he's never met before. Then they start informing him what's happening, he's in a version of a simulation and he has to go back. So, the story continues where the main character begins going back and replaying the same last eight minutes.

The Verdict: 3 / 5 Stars

The acting is exactly what you would expect from Jake Gyllenhaal, really good and brings you into the whole thing. And the other people around all take up part too, helping with this action flick to make it better. So why not a perfect score for this movie? Well, what great acting and nice action cannot replace is an amazing story, which this movie lacks. From the second time through seeing the train scene I had the whole thing figured out, to which I'm not going to say what, but I knew everything about the main character, I knew who was causing the problem, and I just was bored the rest of the way as I watched him jump through a bunch of loops (some of which were stupid and made no sense) to get to what I had figured out on the second time around. And even now as I keep watching through this, I just know exactly what's going to happen. So it's less interesting.

Don't get me wrong, I have all the love for movies where they play back the same scene again and again and you learn it's got a deeper depth than that. But this one wasn't that thick, in fact it was lacking depth and that's what hurts me. I was really hoping for a project that left more to be wanted. And not just in the repeating scene, but also in the current world where real things are happening. The people just aren't as interesting as I was hoping. So it hindered what would have been a cool idea. Overall, 3/5 stars is what I'd give this for that large story lapse.

Columbiana: The Review

Columbiana [2011]

Columbiana Movie Poster

SO I recently just watched the movie Columbiana and finally finished it. In total, I did the movie in four parts; which is not to say the movie is bad but more to say that people kept distracting me from finishing. Anyway, here's my review.

Synopsis:
So it's a movie about this little Latina girl that watches her parents get murdered as a child (this is all start-of-the-movie information). She runs away and spends the rest of her life plotting revenge, and I mean revenge. This girl has the vendetta of a life and she trains and works her way up to being the smart, sexy assassin that all males who watch this movie will want to see.

Next you see her as an adult, they kind of give you a good de-briefing on the years that passed, and then the action starts. Let's put it this way, the action at the beginning is kind of uninteresting, but the action at the end is really awesome. So if you wanna see a child with a vendetta, then this is your movie. Think Kill Bill but sexy Latina.

The Verdict: 3.5 / 5 Stars
I think there are some very simple ways to sum up the plot of this movie. In fact, to be honest the synopsis I have given is probably the perfect way to say the entire movie without telling exactly what happens. There's sex, there's killings, there's cool action and cool stealth, but all and all there's not much more on the thickening plot. Still, I enjoyed the action and the character actually kept me engaged the whole way through the movie (I actually really liked her and that's going beyond her external beauty). And the ending to the movie left a lot to be desired, which I actually liked too. I liked the loose ending.

My personal opinion about this movie is that it's not going to win any awards, some of the acting was meh, and the camera work could have been better (especially at the beginning). The title could have been worked on a bit more too, since most of the film takes place in America. Still, there's great action, a sexy girl with an awesome personality, and the vendetta angle really played out for me. I give it a 3.5 / 5 stars.

Don't Buy Battlefield 3

BATTLEFIELD 3 - THE REVIEW

So I know I do a lot of complaining about Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 and I never play the competition. Well, a friend of mine bought me the game (so we could play more games together) and I've come to one conclusion with all the time I've been playing it (which is approximately 10-30 hours now over a week of screaming at my screen). DO NOT BUY BATTLEFIELD 3!!!!!


Seriously, as far as video games go this is the worst one I've played in a while. I've been so frustrated with this game, that I honestly thing the better name for it would be Boring 'n Frustrated 3. So, if I haven't gotten you interested with what I've said, here's my official review:

Single Player (and Co-Op)
I don't play DICE single players. Why? Because the last one I played wasn't just bad, it was like knives to the groin. Even my friend who likes playing Single Player put down the last DICE single player I owned and said he wanted to gouge his eyes out. Get the point, DICE can't write stories and they are even worse at single player level design. So I didn't play it. Also, I'm assuming Co-Op is the same, so I won't be playing that either.

Multiplayer

Okay, so here we go with something real. As always, I have a list of things that will go on for ages so get ready. They're actually ordered this time in the way that I met each problem.

1. This game is NOT friendly! I know that my number on complaint with Modern Warfare 3 is that the game is too easy to pick-up that there literally is no depth. Well this game goes the other direction and they literally make it so hard to pick up that it has no depth because you are either loving playing it and good or hating it and bad. Literally, I picked this game up and I couldn't believe how IMPOSSIBLE it was made to learn. This part has multiple problems, so let me break it down.

• There is NO training. You hop online, you gonna die. You play offline, you gonna be bored. So that leaves you with fumbling with the buttons and trying to figure out what to do. Now, I know that normally takes about 10-30 minutes in a normal game, but I gotta tell you that after playing this game for as long as I have I'm still confused. I don't understand how bullets work, I don't understand where my bullets go or if they are hitting, I can't tell you what the hell a ticket means, and I certainly can't tell you how many shots are required to blow a hole in the wall. So without any training, you probably have to play for 100 hours just to understand these, and these are BASIC things you NEED TO KNOW. Stupid, right?
• All Bullets Curve/Travel. They don't tell you that in the manual, but all bullets curve down in this game at some rate that the game designers really don't tell you. It must have taken me a whole 5 minutes to figure out why my sniper rifle bullets weren't hitting the guys, and another 15 to even begin to understand how to aim. I still don't get it. But beyond that, all bullets curve, which means you aim above people's heads to get the shots you want. BUT WAIT, that's not all. All bullets also have to travel in the game, which means you sometimes have to point, shoot, and prey that it makes it to their face on time. This not only makes long-range shots difficult, but hurts all aspects of the game because its impossible to tell where to shoot. Also, I'd like to add that a lot of people have noted that the bullets don't fly slow, they fly REALLY slow. That means its even harder to tell.

The next few points are also NOT friendly! points, but I think they deserve a number of their own.

2. The Starting Guns are TERRIBLE! Okay, I know you are probably saying well thank god you get more soon. Except, if you are new to this game and the first guns you get are damn awful, then getting the next guns takes FOREVER. I just recently got the level 2 guns, they are AMAZING better. The starting guns do no damage, have small clips, are not friendly, bounce everywhere, and are just plain awful. It's so bad, but to make matters worse you don't get scopes forever with them, so its like noob hell for a good chunk of time.

3. There are NO Menus. I know there's this start-button menu, but that's in-game and that's bullshit. No. I'm talking about a menu that lets me change stuff and manage my guns while I'm not in the middle of a bloody encounter. Well, it pisses me off, especially since you sit in a stats menu for about a minute. Why not make better use of that minute and let me actually do something. Stats should be for when I want to see them, not always.

Beyond that, the menu they give you for weapons is TERRIBLE. It took me forever to figure out how to switch out stuff, how to get new equipment, etc. And beyond that, its like the worst menu system I've dealt with in a while. If I was EA, I would fire the guy that still hasn't designed menus for this game.

4. Too much teamwork. I know that they say this game focuses on teamwork, but it's just WAY WAY WAY too much. Seriously, without a decent squad of 3 others I always feel like I might as well be alone. A good squad means everything in this game, from getting health, ammo, rockets, and savings. Then you get into a game where you have a bad squad and you realize just how much you have to rely on other people. Now, like I said I understand that this is a squad based game and you should have to do teamwork, but if Modern Warfare 3 is 10% teammates 90% self for personal (IE not team) success, then Battlefield 3 is 90% teammates 10% self for personal success. No joke, no team means you are screwed. And now, take it for a new person who doesn't know anyone or how to play... that really makes it frustrating to the point where you won't want to.

5. Overpowered Vehicles. I know this game is about the vehicles, I know its about getting your squad into one and really just enjoying flying that copter or driving that tank. But this game takes it to the next level and it actually ruins the realism. Seriously, there are maps were you don't even run around on your feet, you just get in a tank or a heli or a plane and never get out.

Yet that's not the part I have a problem with the vehicles (though for every 5 soldiers there should be 1 tank and for every 15 soldiers there should be 1 helicopter, not for ever half soldier there should be three tanks.). My problem with the vehicles is they JUST WON'T DIE. You put a rocket into them, they keep going. You put another one in, it still isn't done. No, it takes 3 rockets to blow the damn things up. And with flying ones, they all have flares, so they never go down. Its the dumbest thing I've seen where they again go back to the whole "you need a team in this game" idea but they don't correct for overpowered vehicles. BUT WAIT, it gets worse. If the enemy team steals your vehicles, you get fucked. And not just that, but they can take them right out of your base. That leads me to number 6.

6. The Enemy can Steal Stuff out of your Base. THIS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED. The guns that are in your base that are supposed to be Anti-Air (the only things allowed to fly in your base) are WEAK, the choppers are WAY more powerful. It's depressing. DICE, go back and make the AA guns super powerful so I can stop them from stealing stuff out of my base and get the battle back on the ground. Seriously, don't know what you were thinking.

Also, if you can have stuff stolen out of your base, then just remember that you can be killed in your base. It happens all the time. Fail DICE, fail.

7. Terrible Spawns. I know I talk about spawns a lot, especially in Modern Warfare 3 where the spawn system is a revenge based on. Well, I will give Infinity Ward this, they made a spawn system. There is literally no spawn system in this game. It just plops you down and there is a 40% chance you are already dead. Yea, bad. But wait, what about the whole you get to pick your spawn thing. Well, sorta... You can pick the region but that doesn't guarantee that you won't instantly die from some guy sneaking around or you'll spawn facing the enemy who has his gun down. So in other words, there are no safe spawns. I hate it. I really really hate this.

8. Not Enough Players (or Maps are Too Big). Some of these maps are just right for 24 players (when you have 24 players), but some are just so extra-large that even with all 24 players it feels empty. And so then you spend too much time running into battle, running over here, running there, and then you get there and there's nothing there to be gotten. So then you continue running some more. Worst part, then you get shot by a camper, start over, and repeat. I wish developers would make maps that fit what's happening and not try to squeeze too many players into a small space or explode players into too large a fat map. 

9. 4 Player Squads. Seriously? This game design has been this way for over half-a-decade now and its getting old. In today's age, I want at least 6 people per squad or even better, up to 9 people per squad. This part feels so dated that I honestly hate it SOOO much. Seriously, get your friends together and now you can't even be on the same squad. Fail. So it would be nice to see larger squads especially since our internet and our games can handle them now.

10. All the problems from Previous Battlefields are still here! If you've played ANY of the battlefield games in all the variety it comes in, then you know they've all had the same problems that never get fixed. The medic has infinite revives and med-packs, there's infinite ammo packs, the repair kit can infinite-repair, etc etc. Well COME ONE DICE and FIX IT. Seriously, for a game that's supposed to be the most realistic one of them all, it has all these little cliche things in it that are just bull and I don't know why DICE doesn't get in there and fix it. 

How had is it to say the tanks can only be repaired on the side the were damaged on (same with airplanes/helicopters) and ammo packs, med-packs, and repair kits can only be replenished at the main (moving) bases. Seriously, if they would fix this, I would be happier with the game by a thousand thanks', but they never do because they think a guy can pull a medical pack out his arse and keep healing, that those defibrillators will work indefinitely even though there's no electricity, that the repair gun adds material to a broken tank, etc. And I know I'm not even scratching the surface of the problems with the previous problems, those ones just bug me the most. I thought I'd make sure to really point it out.

Verdict: Don't Buy
I know, I'm not helping the economy, but people talk about re-skin sequels all the time and they love mentioning the Call of Duty series. Well, to be honest, this one feels EXACTLY like Battlefield: Bad Company 2 with some nice new shiny graphics (which were hard to differ from Modern Warfare 3 to be honest, minus the annoying effects like light glare [which is unrealistically overdone in the game] and rain [which is also overdone in the game]). Don't get it, it's a waste of money and it's a waste of precious braincells from when you bash your head into the wall from the frustration.


Every time I play I consider just making a video of me breaking it, and I really mean that. I think I might go back to SSX again...